3 simple mindset hacks to help you love yourself unconditionally

Have a hard time loving yourself? Here are 3 simple mindset hacks to help you love yourself unconditionally.

For people who are really hard on themselves, saying “I love you” to yourself can be a weird, uncomfortable, or even downright scary thing to do.

That’s how I felt, anyway. It felt so awkward to talk to myself that way, I realized that it felt easier just to call myself a piece of sh*t.

Here’s the problem:

No one sits us down as kids and teaches us how to love ourselves, even when we make mistakes.

>>> Instead, we are punished for mistakes and rewarded for success.

There was no class in school teaching us to cheer ourselves on with loving motivation.

>>> Instead, we are taught to fear failure as our only form of motivation.

We may have been told to be proud of ourselves, but never got the living example of what it LOOKS like to toot your own horn with self-compassion.

>>> Instead, we’re called arrogant or conceited if we celebrate ourselves.

For many years, I felt like I was drowning in a pool of self-criticism.

I didn’t know any other way of talking to myself. I called myself names I’d never call other people. I set unrealistic standards for myself then hated myself for not meeting them.

I felt inspired by motivational speakers like Brene Brown, Oprah and Tony Robbins, but living and believing the things they said felt so far-fetched for me.

Everything changed when I learned what self-compassion really means.

And I learned how very wrong I was about it after all these years. That’s when I started to feel the magical shift within me.

I started looking for the things I liked in the mirror, instead of what I hated.
I started supporting myself emotionally just as much as I’d been supporting others.
I stopped painting myself as a victim to what other people may or may not think of me, because I found true worthiness and validation from within.

Life began to open up, like I joined an exclusive club I never thought I’d be cool enough to join. I’d thought I could only join if I was invited, but never thought I was good enough for an invite.

Now I know the truth – it’s within each of us to invite ourselves to the party.

We just have to love and support ourselves enough to knock on the door.

What is Self-Compassion?

aka: self-support, self-validation, self-motivation, self-love, self-acceptance

It’s being as compassionate, kind, supportive, understanding and patient with oneself as we are with others.

It’s believing we are capable, lovable, and worthy.

It’s coaching ourselves through challenges with love instead of criticizing ourselves from a place of fear.

So let’s get into 3 big self-compassion lies (and the actual truth) so you can finally lean into the mindset shifts needed to love yourself unconditionally.

Mindset hack #1 to help you love yourself

Myth : If I’m too easy on myself, I’ll get lazy or let myself get away with anything.
Truth: Being kind to yourself helps you motivate yourself from a place of love and support instead of fear and self-criticism.

I had a client who was a stress-eater. (well, let’s face it, most of my clients – like me – were stress eaters)

She wanted to lose weight by eating better and getting exercise. But she couldn’t get herself to do the thing she knew she needed to do. The only strategy she’s known is to hate her body as a form of motivation.

She was afraid that if she loved her body, she wouldn’t work to lose the weight.

She was afraid if she loved her body the way it is now, she would get too comfortable and make the changes she needed in order to lose the weight.

So she would say terrible things in the mirror about her appearance, her fat, her legs, her face…

I asked her “How’s that strategy working out for you?” She laughed, “not great”.

She had years of yo-yo dieting, feeling terrible, more cycles of stress eating, and she noticed she was passing her example onto her kids.

So we had her try a new strategy. She started complimenting herself in the mirror. She changed her internal conversation.

She would say things like “Even though there’s more weight than I’d like, I choose to love and support you”

She’d look in the mirror and say “I want to take good care of you because you deserve to be happy and healthy and I care about you.”

She found that she was MORE motivated to lose weight than ever before and it all started happening naturally. She didn’t have to force herself to do the things she didn’t really want to do like eating more vegetables and going for walks.

And she felt great and got to show her kids how to love themselves too.

Mindset hack #2 to help you love yourself

Myth: If I tell myself I’m great, I’ll become arrogant.
Truth: Arrogance is not the same as confidence. Confidence requires self-support and self-compassion.

Do you have a hard time bragging about your accomplishments? I’m willing to bet you also have a hard time accepting compliments.

To you, it likely feels uncomfortable and you brush aside compliments and downplay your accomplishments because you don’t want to come across as arrogant.

I know that feeling well.

It takes confidence to feel good about tooting your own horn. And confidence requires humility.

Confidence WITHOUT humility – THAT’S arrogance.

We all know that guy who acts like he knows everything and never admits when he’s wrong.

Confidence isn’t “I know beyond any doubt that I will succeed”. Confidence is “I believe in myself enough to try, and if I fail, I know I can fix it or learn and grow from it.”

You may be thinking “But I’m humble!!!”.

But if you are not confident, you’re missing one crucial piece of humility.

Humility is equal parts:

Acknowledging your short comings
Self-compassion to turn your shortcomings into something better

You likely have #1 down pat and are really good at calling out everything that you “should” have done better.

But unless you have the self-compassion to use this failure as an opportunity to grow – you aren’t being humble, you are only being self-critical.

Self-criticism is not humility.

Humility is having the self-compassion to be vulnerable enough to make amends with yourself or others in order to grow.

So if you’re worried that being proud of yourself and accepting compliments makes you arrogant, it’s self-compassion you need.

Mindset hack #3 to help you love yourself

Myth: When I try being kind to myself it feels fake so it isn’t working.
Truth: It takes time to form a new relationship with yourself.

The biggest thing that holds people back from speaking to themselves with the same love and support that they give to others is that it feels weird.

They say it feels uncomfortable, awkward, unnatural. Or it didn’t feel like butterflies and rainbows, so I didn’t believe what I was saying and I stopped.

Let me ask you this…

Have you ever heard your voice played back on a recording? It sounds weird, right? You might draw back and grimace and think “ew, that doesn’t sound like me”.

It IS you! It’s just not the YOU you are used to hearing.

But if you keep listening, it becomes more and more familiar and comfortable. It will feel weird at first. Keep going.

If “I love you” is too far of a stretch to get started with – then use better words!

Say things like:

“I like you.”
“I believe in you.”
“You deserve to be happy.”
“You are allowed to make mistakes.”
“I’m here for you and I want you to succeed.”

Work your way up to “I love you”.

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have in your entire life. It takes work. But it’s work that pays dividends in happiness, joy, peace and success.

You are worth it.

The bottom line with self-compassion mindset:

Being kind to yourself helps you motivate yourself from a place of love and support instead of fear and self-criticism.
Arrogance is not the same as confidence. Confidence requires self-support and self-compassion.
It takes time to form a new relationship with yourself.

Where to go from here:

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