Did you have angry parents? Or did they consistently react to you with anger, irritation or frustration without ever coming back to apologize or work to change their behavior to be more calm, understanding and empathetic?
As a coach for stressed and anxious adults and parents, I have noticed a common theme among many clients: they struggle to regulate their emotions and reactions to challenging situations – especially their kids.
As I reflect on my own experiences, I can see how my parents’ anger and reactivity during my childhood have influenced the way I learned to respond to stress and adversity as an adult.
Keep reading or watch this Reel on 5 ways your parent’s anger could manifest in you as an adult.
It’s not about blaming your angry parents…
But I first need to emphasize that the purpose of this isn’t to assign blame to my (or anyone’s) parents.
Parenting is hard. And each of us are products of our own upbringing. I love and appreciate my parents.
And they weren’t even angry ALL the time. It was the habitual and consistent reactivity that compounded over the years creating a pattern of cause, effect and expectations that I’m reflecting on here.
Finding patterns of influence in our past experiences can help us understand ourselves more deeply.
I think back at how my parents would say I was such a good kid they never had to punish me. But to me, them being angry was punishment to me.
To this day, when if someone is angry at me or even just takes their anger out on me, it feels excruciating.
Not every kid has this reaction and internalizes other people’s anger in this way. But many of us do. That is who this article is for.
It’s about the journey
No parent is perfect.
We all leave childhood with ways we still need to grow. Whatever we didn’t get from our caregivers growing up, it’s up to us to provide for ourselves after we leave home.
5 Ways my parents’ anger and reactivity influenced me as an adult
In this blog post, I examine 5 ways my parents’ anger and reactivity have had an impact on my own emotional and relational resilience, and perhaps you might notice similar patterns in your own life as well.
1. My reactivity and anger
Growing up, I learned that when I made mistakes or didn’t follow instructions, the reaction from my parents was often anger and yelling.
This resulted in me becoming reactive and short-tempered when something didn’t go my way or turned out differently than expected. I had a hard time managing my emotions and would often lash out in anger, just like my parents did.
I hadn’t yet learned to regulate my emotions before responding.
Angry parents raise angry kids1.
As an adult, I’ve learned that emotional regulation is a skill that can be developed at any age. Through mindfulness practices and the ‘magic gap‘ technique I now teach my clients, I’ve discovered how to pause between a trigger and my response.
This single skill has transformed my relationships, especially with my own child. Instead of repeating the reactive patterns I grew up with, I can now choose responses that align with my values of compassion and understanding.
This growth doesn’t invalidate my parents’ challenges—they did their best with the tools they had. I’m grateful that breaking this cycle has allowed me to appreciate them more fully while creating a different experience for my son.
2. I became a people pleaser
Another way my parents’ anger manifested in me was through people-pleasing. I learned to believe other people’s negative emotions were my fault, so I felt responsible for changing my behavior to make them happy.
As a result, I became a people-pleaser, always putting others’ needs before my own because if they were happy, that meant that “I am good”.
I hadn’t yet learned that other people’s emotions are their responsibility to manage.
My journey away from people-pleasing began when I realized that taking responsibility for others’ emotions wasn’t actually helping anyone. Through values work, I discovered that authentic connection matters more to me than false harmony.
Now I understand that my parents weren’t deliberately teaching me to people-please—they were operating from their own emotional patterns. Learning to honor my own needs while still being kind to others has been liberating. It’s allowed me to develop genuinely reciprocal relationships based on mutual respect rather than fear, and ironically, has improved my relationship with my parents as I can now engage with them authentically rather than anxiously trying to manage their feelings.
3. I was afraid of making mistakes
Growing up, I also learned that it wasn’t safe for me to make mistakes because if I did, I would make somebody angry.
This fear of making mistakes carried over into my adulthood, where I became overly self-critical and avoided taking risks. I became stuck in my comfort zone, unwilling to try new things or take on new challenges.
I hadn’t yet learned that failure is simply powerful information to make a better tomorrow.
One of the most transformative shifts in my adult life was reframing mistakes as valuable data rather than moral failings. Through self-compassion practices and deliberately choosing to take small risks, I’ve expanded my comfort zone and discovered capabilities I never knew I had.
I now understand that my parents’ reactions to mistakes came from their desire for me to succeed, even if their approach intensified my fear of failure. The permission slip exercise (available in a free workbook) I now share with clients first helped me give myself permission to be imperfect. By accepting my humanity—complete with inevitable mistakes—I’ve found more joy in the journey and, interestingly, achieve better results than when I was paralyzed by perfectionism.
4. I avoided confrontation
My fear of making somebody angry also led to me avoiding confrontation at all costs. I believed that if I confronted somebody, it would set them off, and I wouldn’t feel safe.
This resulted in me being a pushover, unable to assert myself or stand up for my own needs.
I hadn’t yet learned how to set boundaries and express my emotions with confidence.
Angry parents can lead to anti-social behavior in children2.
Setting healthy boundaries was perhaps my greatest adult learning curve. I discovered that boundaries aren’t walls but rather loving guidelines that protect relationships rather than damage them. Through practice and support, I learned that speaking my truth calmly doesn’t have to trigger conflict.
My parents likely struggled with boundary-setting themselves, creating a generational pattern I’m now breaking. What feels most healing is recognizing that I can honor their intentions while choosing different tools. Each time I set a boundary with kindness or engage constructively in necessary confrontation, I’m not just healing my past but creating new possibilities for all my relationships, including the evolving one with my parents.
5. I was a harsh self-critic
Finally, my parents yelling and anger taught me a negative, fear-based motivation style.
I internalized this as self-criticism, using anger and frustration to motivate myself to be better. I constantly criticized myself and was never satisfied with my own achievements.
This is very common stemming from traditional parenting which emphasizes a punishment and reward system for teaching children to obey and behave.
Breaking the rules = punishment. And if there is no one else to deliver the punishment, we punish ourselves.
I hadn’t yet learned to communicate with myself and motivate myself with love, compassion and respect.
Angry parents can lead to low self-esteem in children3.
Learning to motivate myself with kindness rather than criticism has been revolutionary. My inner drill sergeant has transformed into a compassionate coach who celebrates progress and offers gentle guidance instead of harsh demands.
I understand now that my parents used fear-based motivation because it was what they knew—likely how they were motivated as children themselves. Their intent was to help me succeed, even if the method created suffering. By consciously choosing to parent myself (and my child) differently, I honor both their good intentions and my deeper understanding of what truly motivates lasting positive change. This shift has allowed me to accomplish more with greater joy and less burnout, proving that compassion is not just kinder but more effective.
The bottom line with angry parents
If any of these experiences resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Many people carry the emotional baggage of their childhood into adulthood, and it can take time and effort to overcome these patterns.
As a coach, I help people break free from these negative patterns and find their inner calm, learning how to know, like, and trust themselves – especially parents so that they can break generational cycles of reactivity and approach parenting through the lens of empathy, respect and understanding.
If you are struggling with similar issues, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Remember, you deserve to live a life free from the negative patterns of your past.
Where to go from here:
- Free Inner Voice Makeover workbook: Transform harsh self-talk into self-compassion with these 5 powerful steps to speak to yourself like someone you love. Discover the values hidden beneath your inner critic.
- 21 Day Meditation-in-Action: Retrain your brain in just 4 minutes daily. Create the mental space needed to connect with your authentic self and make values-aligned decisions.
- 1:1 Discovery Session: End the cycle of reactivity that leaves you feeling guilty, drained, and disconnected from your authentic self. In this focused 30-minute free consultation, we’ll identify your unique stress triggers and create a clear path to the calm response patterns you’ve been searching for. Transform stress into strength—starting now!
References and Research:
- Conger RD, Neppl T, Kim KJ, Scaramella L. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. Published online 2003:143-160. doi:10.1023/a:1022570107457
- Hofvander B, Ossowski D, Lundström S, Anckarsäter H. Continuity of aggressive antisocial behavior from childhood to adulthood: The question of phenotype definition. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry. Published online July 2009:224-234. doi:10.1016/j.ijlp.2009.04.004
- Rudy D, Grusec JE. Authoritarian parenting in individualist and collectivist groups: Associations with maternal emotion and cognition and children’s self-esteem. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2006:68-78. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.68
Leave a Comment