Did you have angry parents? Or did they consistently react to you with anger, irritation or frustration without ever coming back to apologize or work to change their behavior to be more calm, understanding and empathetic?
As a coach for stressed and anxious adults and parents, I have noticed a common theme among many clients: they struggle to regulate their emotions and reactions to challenging situations – especially their kids.
As I reflect on my own experiences, I can see how my parents’ anger and reactivity during my childhood have influenced the way I learned to respond to stress and adversity as an adult.
Keep reading or watch this Reel on 5 ways your parent’s anger could manifest in you as an adult.
It’s not about blaming your angry parents…
But I first need to emphasize that the purpose of this isn’t to assign blame to my parents. Parenting is hard. And each of us are products of our own upbringing. I love and appreciate my parents.
And they weren’t even angry ALL the time. It was the habitual and consistent reactivity that compounded over the years creating a pattern of cause, effect and expectations that I’m reflecting on here.
Finding patterns of influence in our past experiences can help us understand ourselves more deeply.
It’s about the journey
No parent is perfect. We all leave childhood with ways we still need to grow. Whatever we didn’t get from our caregivers growing up, it’s up to us to provide for ourselves after we leave home.
5 Ways my parents’ anger and reactivity influenced me as an adult
In this blog post, I examine 5 ways my parents’ anger and reactivity have had an impact on my own emotional and relational resilience, and perhaps you might notice similar patterns in your own life as well.
1. My reactivity and anger
Growing up, I learned that when I made mistakes or didn’t follow instructions, the reaction from my parents was often anger and yelling.
This resulted in me becoming reactive and short-tempered when something didn’t go my way or turned out differently than expected. I had a hard time managing my emotions and would often lash out in anger, just like my parents did.
I hadn’t yet learned to regulate my emotions before responding.
Angry parents raise angry kids1.
2. I became a people pleaser
Another way my parents’ anger manifested in me was through people-pleasing. I learned to believe other people’s negative emotions were my fault, so I felt responsible for changing my behavior to make them happy.
As a result, I became a people-pleaser, always putting others’ needs before my own because if they were happy, that meant that “I am good”.
I hadn’t yet learned that other people’s emotions are their responsibility to manage.
3. I was afraid of making mistakes
Growing up, I also learned that it wasn’t safe for me to make mistakes because if I did, I would make somebody angry.
This fear of making mistakes carried over into my adulthood, where I became overly self-critical and avoided taking risks. I became stuck in my comfort zone, unwilling to try new things or take on new challenges.
I hadn’t yet learned that failure is simply powerful information to make a better tomorrow.
4. I avoided confrontation
My fear of making somebody angry also led to me avoiding confrontation at all costs. I believed that if I confronted somebody, it would set them off, and I wouldn’t feel safe.
This resulted in me being a pushover, unable to assert myself or stand up for my own needs.
I hadn’t yet learned how to set boundaries and express my emotions with confidence.
Angry parents can lead to anti-social behavior in children2.
5. I was a harsh self-critic
Finally, my parents yelling and anger taught me a negative, fear-based motivation style.
I internalized this as self-criticism, using anger and frustration to motivate myself to be better. I constantly criticized myself and was never satisfied with my own achievements.
This is very common stemming from traditional parenting which emphasizes a punishment and reward system for teaching children to obey and behave.
Breaking the rules = punishment. And if there is no one else to deliver the punishment, we punish ourselves.
I hadn’t yet learned to communicate with myself and motivate myself with love, compassion and respect.
Angry parents can lead to low self-esteem in children3.
The bottom line with angry parents
If any of these experiences resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Many people carry the emotional baggage of their childhood into adulthood, and it can take time and effort to overcome these patterns.
As a coach, I help people break free from these negative patterns and find their inner calm, learning how to know, like, and trust themselves – especially parents so that they can break generational cycles of reactivity and approach parenting through the lens of empathy, respect and understanding.
If you are struggling with similar issues, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Remember, you deserve to live a life free from the negative patterns of your past.
Where to go from here:
- Work with me 1:1: For leaders and parents feeling lost trying to grow and heal on their own, ready for a guide on their journey out of anxiety into the happiest, most Zen-Badass version of yourself from the boardroom to the family room.
- 21 Day Meditation-in-Action emotional transformation (now only $37). In as few as 4 minutes a day, learn how to retrain your mind for resilience, peace and focus.
- Free Training – Learn the 4 Shifts to Ease Anxiety and Find Your Inner Zen-Badass: Access the free mini-but-mighty Graceful Resilience® training to learn the skills to become calm, confident and in control over your emotions so your career and relationships thrive.
References and Research:
- Conger RD, Neppl T, Kim KJ, Scaramella L. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. Published online 2003:143-160. doi:10.1023/a:1022570107457
- Hofvander B, Ossowski D, Lundström S, Anckarsäter H. Continuity of aggressive antisocial behavior from childhood to adulthood: The question of phenotype definition. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry. Published online July 2009:224-234. doi:10.1016/j.ijlp.2009.04.004
- Rudy D, Grusec JE. Authoritarian parenting in individualist and collectivist groups: Associations with maternal emotion and cognition and children’s self-esteem. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2006:68-78. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.68
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