How to let go of what is no longer serving you

How to let go – a lesson from a couple of monks

Two monks were traveling together. As they came to a river with a strong current and prepared to cross, they came upon a young and beautiful woman who asked if they could help her to the other side.

The monks paused as they had taken vows to never touch a woman.

Without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, and continued on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless. An hour passed without a word between them.

Two, three, finally four hours passed and the younger monk could contain himself any longer, blurting out:

“We are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied:

“Brother, I set her down hours ago, why are you still carrying her?”

This simple Zen story has a beautiful message about living in the present moment. How often do we carry around past hurts, holding onto resentments, grasping tight to old beliefs – when the only person we are really hurting is ourselves.

We all go through times in life when other people say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We can chose to ruminate over past actions or events, but it will ultimately weigh us down and sap our energy.

We hold onto mistakes we’ve made, reliving them over and over.

We create beliefs about ourselves and continue to hold onto them even once we’ve grown and know better.

I had to learn how to let go of my mistakes

I used to hold a grudge like it was my job! It took many years for me to realize that I was also a master of holding a grudge against myself for my past mistakes.

This story may sound like a small event to you, but this one stuck with me for years…

A trigger for me when I was in the thick of living my life with anxiety was the belief that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough.

Whenever I made a mistake or didn’t know something, I immediately got defensive or shit-talked to myself over and over, recalling the event in my mind to relive the pain.

Some even small mistakes would haunt me. I had gone to a weekend yoga retreat years ago and they had a hot tub there. After I used it I tried to close the lid and couldn’t.

So I stood up on the edge and started pulling on it. Then yanking on it. All while balancing on the slippery edge. It was a very cold October so there was a little ice forming on the top of the hot tub.

The owner came over, he was pretty chill about it, and he showed me how to close it. He didn’t make a big deal out of it.

But because of my long held belief of not being smart enough, I was SO embarrassed!

In retrospect, it wasn’t the safest way to go about it, standing on the edge of a slippery tub.

That’s why I ran this small scene over and over in my mind for years thinking about what the owner must have thought about me – like I was some young idiot doing something dangerous on his property where I could hurt myself or break his hot tub.

It still pops into my head sometimes. But now, instead of feeling embarrassed or foolish, I remind myself that this memory doesn’t serve me.

It taught me a lesson to be more conscientious of other people’s property and to think more about what I’m doing – so now there is no value in reliving it.

And I had to learn to let go of other people’s mistakes

When I was 14, my mother left.

She moved to Las Vegas with her boyfriend, and I moved in with my father in Connecticut. At first I missed her and wanted to talk to her and see her.

We had an arrangement that she’d call me every Sunday (she was to make the call because long distance calls were expensive in the 90s).

Weekly calls turned to bi-weekly. Then monthly. Promises of sending money never came to fruition. Birthday and Christmas presents became less frequent. Visits were scarce.

After a few years of this my sadness turned to anger and blame.

I spent the next 15+ years holding onto resentment. Then I found myself imagining her death – not because I wished her dead, but because I wanted to see how it would make me feel if she were to die and I had never forgiven her.

And it didn’t feel very good. I knew that for my own mental and emotional health, I had to let go of the past.

When I was about 30, work brought my mother to Maine (where I live too). I decided that if she is going to live near to me, there’s no better time than now to begin the healing process.

I’ll write another post about forgiveness, but part of that process is the letting go.

I had to ask myself what value there was to me to hold onto grudge for something that happened in the past. How was it making MY life better? How was it making ANY life better?

It wasn’t.

I could have chosen to let go AND choose to not maintain a relationship with my mother. These can both happen together.

Instead, I chose to let go and start to rebuild the relationship.

This decision was made easier by knowing my own values. For me, compassion is the most important value in my life. I needed to live more in tune with that value by accepting that, like me, my mother isn’t perfect.

She’s made mistakes. So have I. And they are all in the past, learned from, and let go of.

A lesson from Eckhart Tolle on letting go

Holding onto the past weighs us down. Learning from the past makes us grow, makes us wiser, lifts us up.

Once that lesson is learned, there is no need to hold onto those memories. There’s no value in it. It robs us of NOW. Now is literally all that exists.

To enjoy NOW, you need to be here now. To do that, you need to let go of what is no longer serving you.

I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now:

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

He goes on to say:

“All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical.

You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of NOW.”

How to let go – a workbook to help you practice.

As Eckhart says, it’s simple.

Simple is not necessarily easy, of course. This takes practice. Letting go and coming back to the present is a skill of mindfulness. Skills are cultivated with practice.

I created this free workbook for you to help you:

• Identify what you need to let go of
• Why you’re holding on
• What would open up for you if you let go

Where to go from here:

1. Work with me 1:1: For leaders and parents feeling lost trying to grow and heal on their own, ready for a guide on their journey out of anxiety into the happiest, most Zen-Badass version of yourself from the boardroom to the family room.
   
2. 21 Day Meditation-in-Action emotional transformation (now only $37). In as few as 4 minutes a day, learn how to retrain your mind for resilience, peace and focus.
   
3. Free Training – Learn the 4 Shifts to Ease Anxiety and Find Your Inner Zen-Badass: Access the free mini-but-mighty Graceful Resilience® training to learn the skills to become calm, confident and in control over your emotions so your career and relationships thrive.