Learn from these 3 common mistakes women make when trying to become more confident, including practical advice to combat them.
I used to think that people are either born confident or not. It seemed like it just wasn’t in the cards for me because it wasn’t part of my personality.
I’ve since learned that it’s not a personality trait – it is a mindset.
At the risk of oversimplifying, it’s choosing a different thought.
Think about it – what makes you NOT confident?
Thinking you aren’t capable.
Thinking people will judge you harshly.
Thinking if you make a mistake that you will be a failure.
All of these thoughts tie to limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves. But a belief is just a thought that we’ve had over and over – enough to where we believe it to be true.
I had a long-held belief that I wasn’t likable. I never had many friends growing up. My sister never wanted to hang out with me. I wasn’t a cool kid in school.
It reached a point when I was a grown @ss adult in my twenties, I was sitting on my bed, home alone, crying because I couldn’t think of one single person I could call to go and do something with.
And I didn’t have the confidence to go out and make friends because I kept thinking that no one would like me.
I am a far more confident person than the anxiety-riddled younger me, and thankfully, I overcame my fears and limiting beliefs to make a wonderful circle of friends ❤️ (happy dance)
It didn’t happen overnight though.
After years of working on myself and coaching other women to overcome the limiting beliefs that have been keeping us small, here are 3 mistakes I’ve seen in them (and myself) that come up again and again on the journey to become more confident…
Mistake #1: Not realizing that courage is an important stepping stone to confidence
We all want more confidence because we don’t like this feeling of being fearful. We think having confidence will make that feeling go away.
But if you want to become more confident the first step is to practice courage. A key ingredient in courage is FEAR! It’s moving forward DESPITE that fear.
For me, courage was going to the gym. Years of social anxiety made this a monumental task. But I’d heard of this boxing gym, and I’d always wanted to learn.
In the past, I would come up with every excuse not to go to a social gathering or just figure out an excuse to leave early.
I found that if I thought too much about how embarrassed I would be if I looked dumb with my gloves on, or fell down in front of people (which happened multiple times 🤣), or if no one talked to me – I would back out of going.
At first, I would just think – all I have to do is pack my gym bag and put it in the car. Then I would only think about how I just had to drive to the gym. Then I would only focus on making it to the changing room. Then once I was there, I just needed to show up for class.
The key is to dig into what you’re really afraid of. Ask yourself “what is the worst that could happen?” (but be realistic!!).Then, walk yourself through how you will cope with that if it were to happen.
After a while, I started to realize that my fear of being seen as a loser, an outcast, an uncool person that no one wants to be around was an exaggerated thought in my mind. And the worst that could happen is that it could come true. And if that were to happen, I would make amends if needed, or I would keep to myself and still get some exercise.
Turns out, I am not the unlikable fool I thought I was. I ended up making some great friends at that gym. We’re still close friends today, nearly a decade later.
I just needed to have courage to get myself there. After a while, I became confident and no longer afraid to talk to strangers, go to restaurants or parties alone, or just put myself out there.
Mistake #2: Believing that failure is not an option
Lack of confidence and fear of failure are two sides of the same coin. It shows up as perfectionism, procrastination, imposter syndrome, social anxiety, among other things.
But to become confident is to accept failure as a possibility. Because confident people understand that failure is an opportunity for growth.
Whenever I received even constructive criticism, I would get defensive. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be anything short of perfect.
If I wasn’t automatically or naturally good at something, I didn’t want to do it anymore. If I didn’t know the answer to something, I was too embarrassed to ask. If someone pointed out that I was doing something wrong, I’d get angry.
There’s an episode of Parks and Recreation where Jerry (the butt of every joke) is retiring, and the office needs to replace this void with a new punching bag. Tom says “file piles” wrong (a simple mistake), so he is deemed “the new Jerry”.
His response is fear, anger and he blurts out “I barely said it wrong!”. He was so upset and the rest of the episode he tries to get someone else to become “Jerry”.
When Andy’s pen bursts in his mouth and gets ink all on his face, Tom sees this as his opportunity. But instead of getting defensive or upset, Andy acknowledged it and turned it into a joke.
Because nothing embarrasses Andy, he’ll never become the new Jerry.
The key to failure with grace and dignity is with humility. Accept mistakes as inevitabilities. Acknowledge them. Learn from them. They are not to be feared. Embracing failure is to never be embarrassed again.
Mistake #3: Confusing confidence with arrogance
It’s tricky for women to talk about our accomplishments and our abilities. In the workplace, we tend to be judged more harshly than men for self-promoting.
Combine that with good girl conditioning that tells us to never do anything that could come across as “full of ourselves,” and many women end up uncomfortable talking about their accomplishments, worried about coming across as “bragging” or “arrogant.”
But here’s the real difference between confidence and arrogance.
Confidence is believing in yourself, your abilities, knowledge and skills while understanding that failure may be possible.
Arrogance also is a belief in one’s abilities, but includes a smug sense of superiority because of those abilities, as well as an unwillingness to believe that failure is an option.
An arrogant person would laugh or become angry at the idea that they could fail or that they are not as good as they proclaim to be. This leaves an arrogant person not receptive to criticism, advice or suggestions.
If you’re worried about coming across as arrogant, that is a big, huge flag that you are not being arrogant. Arrogant people do NOT worry about being arrogant.
Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone.
It’s walking into a room not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.
Where to go from here:
- Work with me 1:1: For leaders and parents feeling lost trying to grow and heal on their own, ready for a guide on their journey out of anxiety into the happiest, most Zen-Badass version of yourself from the boardroom to the family room.
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