3 self-compassion mistakes and misconceptions keeping you from being kinder to yourself.

Are you making these self-compassion mistakes?

I’m just going to get right down to it… How has being a total b*tch to yourself been working out for you?

Has it made you happier? Stronger? Better? Are you enjoying life more?

Yeah, no. I thought not. 😆

It wasn’t helping me either.

I used to think that beating myself up after I said something awkward would somehow make me better.

I thought that telling myself that no one really liked me was protecting myself from any potential hurt if it turned out someone actually didn’t like me.

I would ruminate on all the things I’d failed at thinking that was somehow solving the problem.

Before I finally figured out that I needed to treat myself as kindly as I did everyone else when they were hurting – I was stressed, anxious, and felt like shit.

Self-Compassion means changing your inner dialogue from self-flagellating to self-kindness. It means noticing, without judgement, your pain, your mistakes… and BEING KIND TO YOURSELF as your response.

A lot of people have the wrong idea about self-compassion.

In our Western culture where we pride strength and success – any form of perceived vulnerability is seen as weakness. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here are the 3 biggest self-compassion mistakes and misconceptions that keep people from practicing it…

Self-Compassion Mistake #1

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-INDULGENCE

A lot of people are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they’re afraid they would let themselves get away with anything.

“I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day, drink wine and eat a quart of ice cream.”

This, however, is self-indulgence rather than self-compassion. Being compassionate to yourself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term – and if your actions in response to pain are unhealthy, you are not practicing self-compassion.

Self-compassion is being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or berating ourselves with self-criticism.

So in the stressful day example – which we’ve been there #amiright?!? – self-compassion looks like this:

  • acknowledging that today was hard and that you are in some pain, and that’s ok.
  • allowing the discomfort to exist without immediately jumping to numb it, run from it, or distract from it with a 4 hour binge of The Office. 
  • instead of beating yourself up or jumping to blame and judgement, you take the time to mentally (or physically!) give yourself a hug and say “I know this sucks, and you will be fine because I’m here for you” just like you would a good friend.
  • understanding that to be human is to be imperfect – it’s a package deal! And accepting that there are to be bumps in the road and therefore being gentle with yourself when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.

Self-Compassion Mistake #2

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-PITY

I FOR SURE have been guilty of self-pity!! Especially the time my fiance dumped me a few weeks before our wedding (more about that in a sec…).

💔 Self-pity is being immersed in your own problems and forgetting that others have similar problems.

💔 It’s ignoring your interconnections with others, and instead feeling that you are the only one in the world who is suffering.

💔 It’s being carried away with and wrapped up in your own emotional drama, unable to step back from your situation and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows you to see and feel connected with everyone else because of our shared experiences (good and bad!) without these feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Self-compassion gives you the mental space to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)

This DOES NOT mean you can’t validate how you feel (because that is toxic positivity) and that you shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad!!

But that mental space is the room you will need to break out of suffering – it’s the space where CHANGE HAPPENS.

That room for a new perspective is a huge step towards getting out of pain.

Like after I was dumped before my wedding… I was in the bathroom crying when a woman from work whose husband has Alzheimer’s said, “at least you don’t have to spend the rest of your life watching him suffer”.

That immediately broke me out of self-pity mode by giving me mental space to have a new perspective.

And it gave me the shared human connection I was missing in that moment.

Self-Compassion Mistake #3

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-ESTEEM

I used to think that all I needed was more self-esteem.

I lacked confidence, I was down on myself for not having many friends thinking I wasn’t likable, and I obsessed over every time I “failed”.

Self-esteem sounded like the magic cure to stop feeling like shit. But boosting my ego was not the answer – I needed to stop being such a b*tch to myself!! THAT’s self-compassion!

Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves.

It’s based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves.

This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves.

  • Self-Compassion is being kind and understanding towards yourself because all human beings deserve compassion, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on).
  • This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.
  • Self-compassion means acknowledging your failures and shortcomings with kindness, without feeling like you need to hide them.
  • Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face!

What do you think? Are you making any of these self-compassion mistakes? Do you see the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem, self-indulgence, or self-pity? How will you start fitting in more self-compassion to your inner dialogue?

Let us know in the comments below!!

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