Learn how to be your own life coach so you can work through any feelings of anger, fear, stress or anxiety.
Right now I’m pissed at my husband.
Why am I writing this post while I’m pissed at him?
I want to coach myself through it in real time, record it, and show you how I use the tools I use with my clients.
You can use this as an example of how to be your own life coach when you need to work through a difficult time.
Ok, here’s the back story.
We have a 3 month old son. We’re 3 weeks into staying at home during the coronavirus. We’re both working from home while taking care of him since his daycare is closed.
And here’s what happened.
Usually my husband takes the middle of the night feeding shift because I need to pump before bed and after I get up, so that makes it a bit more fair. This morning, I took the 3:45am shift. We decided anything before 4am is him, and after is me, and it was close enough to 4am so I thought I’d be nice and feed him.
So now at noon, I’m pretty tired.
I’ve been taking care of the baby nearly all morning. Pumped, prepped bottles, fed him, changed him, made coffee, picked up the living room, rocked him to sleep, and I’ve been working in between.
My husband was able to take a shower and go to work in his office. He came down a little bit ago for a bite to eat, and I asked him if he could watch the boy while I take a shower (something I haven’t done in a couple of days – don’t judge me!).
He begrudgingly said yes, and I went about my business which took half an hour.
I came down to a very cranky husband who was angry that I took a shower mid morning without warning, and he has work to do.
I got angry back saying he could have told me it wasn’t a good time or he could have taken the baby to his office and got some work done. It made me feel like I have to ask permission to take a shower and he doesn’t, and that I watch the boy more often than he does while also working.
He feels like he does more around the house so that it evens out. And that I should take a shower before the workday so he doesn’t get into a position where he has to take time out to watch kiddo. He likes to have a plan for the day, and I threw it off.
So who is right and who is wrong? The truth is we’re both right. And both wrong.
But that doesn’t matter, and it’s besides the point.
Anger comes from believing I am right and you are wrong. And I don’t want to feel angry. I hate feeling angry, and I don’t want to feel like this all day. So let’s work through it.
Steps to be your own life coach to work through anger
First, I need to recognize what I am feeling. I’m angry.
Am I fighting this feeling or allowing it to happen? I’m fighting it because it doesn’t feel good. So now I’m going to take a moment, sit back and just notice this feeling of anger and allow it to flow through me without resistance. I’m going to witness the feeling instead of succumbing to it so I can start to step back and take an objective view.
What thought is causing my anger? He shouldn’t have gotten angry. He could have told me what was bothering him without anger.
So the situation is that he got angry at me, I think he shouldn’t have gotten angry at me, and I got angry in response.
How would I rather feel? Understanding.
What would I need to think in order to feel understanding? One way to reframe the situation is to ask, what is another way of looking at this or what else could this mean?
- He feels stressed about work.
- He feels burdened at home and has difficulty expressing it.
- He is a structured person who works best with a schedule and does not like when plans change.
- He could feel bad that he took his anger out on me.
- I could have planned ahead and taken a shower in the morning or waited until later.
- I am overtired and jumping to anger quickly as a result.
- I feel burdened at home and have difficulty expressing it.
- I got to take a shower and get ready for my client call later.
1 year from now, will this situation matter? No. This is just a moment in time.
How can I rewrite the situation with a new thought to make me feel more understanding? He got angry at me, I think he should be allowed to feel angry, and I understand his feelings.
What is the value in staying angry? I can’t see any.
What do I want to happen? I want to be able to balance taking care of my needs, the baby’s needs, the house needs, work, and support my husband as best I can, without anyone ever getting angry.
Is it realistic to expect that no one will ever get angry? No.
Is my husband allowed to get angry sometimes? Yes.
Am I allowed to get angry sometimes? Yes.
What will I do now? I can apologize for getting angry in response to him. I can work with him to find a system that works best for both of us. I can express my needs to him and listen to his needs.
Oops, I just realized when I wrote that I used the word “can” when the question was what “will” I do. I need to rephrase my answer: I will apologize for getting angry in response to him. I will work with him to find a system that works best for both of us. I will express my needs to him and listen to his needs.
It’s important that this step is actionable and includes things that I will actually do with certainty.
If/when these feelings of anger come up again later, what will I do or say that will help? I will remind myself that we’re both doing our best to make this work. We’re not perfect. We can learn from this and do better next time. I love him. He loves me.
Do I still feel angry? Nope!
Why it’s important to learn to be your own life coach
When we feel an intense emotion it consumes us. We get tunnel vision and it’s all we can see. We search our memories for any way to support how we’re feeling.
Take a look at my situation. I was angry because he was angry and I didn’t think he should be. So that anger snowballed, and my mind thought up all the reasons to support my anger…
I thought about how I felt like I had to ask permission to take a shower when he doesn’t, and I thought that I watch the boy more often than he does while also working. My mind started jumping to past situations where he made me feel mad.
In reality, if he had let me know how he was feeling without anger, I wouldn’t have reacted in anger. Not to say that my reaction is his fault. I alone own my emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
But the point is that I was angry at his anger, not all those other things. I instead was catastrophizing and making a bigger deal out of all those other things because I couldn’t see anything other than anger.
We need to learn how to coach ourselves because we can’t just flip a switch and stop being angry, sad, afraid, insecure, etc. Positive thinking alone doesn’t solve our problems. A change in how we’re thinking is what is needed. And learning to coach yourself changes those thinking patterns to a healthier place.
If you need help learning how, you can learn more about working with me.
Update: He came downstairs. I apologized for getting angry. He apologized for getting angry. We went to shake hands but, you know, coronavirus… so we shared a mutual head nod.
At another time in my life I would have given him the silent treatment, stayed angry all day, and thought of all the ways I could react in spite until he apologized first.
That strategy never worked. This one works much better.
Meditation to help with anger
Bonus! Here’s a meditation I often use when I’m feeling mad or disconnected from others. It’s a loving kindness meditation that releases feelings of anger and replaces them with love and kindness.
Where to go from here:
- Work with me 1:1: For leaders and parents feeling lost trying to grow and heal on their own, ready for a guide on their journey out of anxiety into the happiest, most Zen-Badass version of yourself from the boardroom to the family room.
- 21 Day Meditation-in-Action emotional transformation (now only $37). In as few as 4 minutes a day, learn how to retrain your mind for resilience, peace and focus.
- Free Training – Learn the 4 Shifts to Ease Anxiety and Find Your Inner Zen-Badass: Access the free mini-but-mighty Graceful Resilience® training to learn the skills to become calm, confident and in control over your emotions so your career and relationships thrive.
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