The most important lesson to learn in life

{Oh sh*t, I broke my mom’s bowl!}

When unfortunate things happens, how do you react?

Do you look back and think, “that really wasn’t a big deal I wish I hadn’t gotten so angry”. Or, “I hate feeling sad, why can’t I just be happy?!?”

This story is about the art of choosing your own adventure.

My mom knew I liked matcha so she bought me a cute matcha set complete with a beautiful sea green bowl and bamboo whisk – all the fixin’s for a traditional Japanese tea ceremony.

I loved that bowl. It was so pretty and the perfect size for so many things beyond a nice cup of matcha.

I used it almost every day.

I’m pretty sure you know where this is going.

I broke it.

I broke the damn bowl. Carelessly unloading the dishwasher I dropped a mason jar on it and it broke into three equal sized pieces.

In that instance, I had several options how to respond.

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART. (she said boldly for those post-skimmers so they don’t miss the point…)

We have so many more options than we realize in life.

We don’t have control over much more than how we respond to situations. But how we choose to respond IS EVERYTHING.

It broke. It happened. Nothing I do can change that.

We focus on how things make us feel. Frustrated, mad, sad, bored, defeated, happy… What we tend to fail to realize is that we feel the way we do in response to a thought.

Let’s use my mom’s bowl as an example. I can’t change the past – the bowl is broken. But I can choose what to think about it. And what I choose to think will determine how I will feel. And how I feel will determine what I do.

The way I see it, I had 10 options that day:

OPTION 1
I could think:
“Oh no! I will never get to enjoy that bowl again. I don’t like that I have to live without that bowl.”

This will make me sad. I’m attached to the idea of this bowl being in my life and bringing me happiness. I’m putting my source of happiness on an external object and because I’m attached to it and now it’s gone – so is my happiness. This makes me sad. I might mope around for the rest of the day feeling sad again every time I open the cupboard.

OPTION 2
I could think:
“I can’t believe I did that. I’m so dumb and careless.”

This will make me disappointed in myself. I’d remember all the other times I was careless and feel like a failure. My confidence and self esteem would go down because I would think that this is who I am, a klutz. I would think, “I did this, so I am this.”

OPTION 3
I could think:
“F*cking A! Sh*t! I shouldn’t have done that!”

I would feel angry at myself. I would fume for the rest of the morning and maybe snap at my husband who would probably then get in a bad mood himself. Now there’s two grumpy people in the house, probably not communicating well. Being jerks to each other.

OPTION 4
I could think:
“Great, another thing I have to take care of today!”

I would feel frustrated and overwhelmed. I would think of all the other things I have to do and how this is piled on top. And this will eventually become exhausting.

OPTION 5
I could think:
“Oh no, my mom is going to be disappointed in me.” 

I would feel guilty for being thoughtless. I’d feel like I let her down, and it would weigh on me every time I see her.

OPTION 6
I could think:
“Oh well, it’s just a bowl.”

I would feel apathetic. And I would move on with my day like nothing happened.

OPTION 7
I could think:
“The cupboard is cluttered as it is, so now I have more space.”

I would feel relief and have peace of mind. And my husband would be happy because he thinks we have too many bowls. (Like there is such a thing!)

OPTION 8
I could think:
“Oooh, I get to go shopping for a new bowl!”

I would feel happy because I love shopping for home decor. My husband wouldn’t be as happy of course (refer back to option 7).

OPTION 9
I could think:
“I see this as an opportunity for growth. I liked that bowl but now it’s gone. I feel inclined to be sad but I know that is a byproduct of attachment, and that isn’t how I want to feel right now.”

I would feel empowered and stronger as I see this as an opportunity to grow. With this thought I’d recognize an inclination towards sadness, or any other afflictive emotion, but choose to view this as a chance to become a better, wiser version of me.

OPTION 10
The thought I chose in the end:
“I could fix it and make something even more beautiful.”

And I felt excited. I remembered the Japanese principle of wabi sabi. Wabi sabi is the art of finding beauty in imperfection. It celebrates the cracks and crevices, scars and marks left behind. Some people love this style of art so much that they will intentionally break items just to have them restored. It gives their objects more depth, more story, more complexity – and that is beautiful.

The principle extends far beyond pieces of art – it applies to us too. Our scars tell stories. Our broken past adds depth to our character. Our wrinkles show we’ve lived. Our imperfections make us who we are; they make us unique.

I’m inspired by this concept and so I’m going to fix the bowl. I’d like to use something lavish like gold. The hubs is not too keen on that idea. Maybe he’ll change his thinking 🙂

I didn’t start with option 10 though.

I started with option 1 (“I will never get to enjoy that bowl again”) and was a tad sad. I didn’t like how that felt so I changed my thinking to option 6 (“Oh well, it’s just a bowl”) and decided to just move on. But that felt boring so I went with option 8 (“I get to go shopping for a new bowl”)  for a minute knowing I still had a TJ Maxx gift card.

But that’s when I remembered wabi sabi and seeing as it was a Japanese bowl and wabi sabi is a Japanese principle, I went with option 10 (“I could fix it”) with a side order of option 9 (“an opportunity for growth”).

I saw the evolution of my thinking from sad to a place of peace and felt empowered as a result. Like the Grinch’s heart growing an extra size, I felt proud of my self in that moment that I was able to capture the earlier thought and redirect it to something that truly benefited me wholly as a person.

Life is a choose your own adventure book. We think we can’t help how we feel. And we can’t really. We feel a certain way about the thoughts in our heads. But we can choose another thought – one that that elicits a different emotional response.

I’m continually inspired by a story told by the Dalai Lama. He spoke of a Tibetan monk who had spent more than 18 years in a Chinese prison labor camp. He asked the monk what frightened him the most when he was imprisoned and tortured? He replied that he was afraid of losing compassion for the Chinese guards.

Now that’s some hard core reframing!

I don’t know if I can reach that level of compassion in my lifetime, but knowing that it is possible gives me something to shoot for. When people or situations are difficult, it is easy to feel anger, fear, sadness… But shifting a thought, making a conscious decision to think differently completely changes how we feel, how we live, and how much we enjoy our time here.

Our thoughts cause our emotions. Which dictates our behavior. Which affects those around us.

The reality is, your thoughts can change the world. They will start with you and like a pebble landing on water it will ripple out waves of impact on those around you and beyond.

To be the change you want to see in the world, you just need to start with your thoughts.